One of the hardest tasks for many parents is figuring out exactly how much freedom is appropriate at various ages.
photo by J. Michel Carriere

Although vacations are a time to relax and have fun, your job as a parent never stops. One of the hardest tasks for many parents is figuring out exactly how much freedom is appropriate at various ages. In unfamiliar locations such as vacation destinations, it is easy to err on the side of caution, keeping your kids on a short leash to ensure their safety. At the opposite end of the spectrum, some parents allow too much freedom, which can lead to situations that the kids are not ready to handle on their own.

Low-Stakes Decisions

The buddy system is an especially good idea for preteens, but works well at all ages.

On vacation, you are not likely to see anyone you know. You are away from pressure and responsibilities, and so are your kids. Does it really matter if your child’s clothes match or if he eats ice cream for dinner one night? This is a great time to let even very young children practice making low-stakes decisions on their own.

From staying up late and being tired the next day to missing mini-golf night due to a sugar-induced stomach ache, kids learn best through experience. As long as you provide safe parameters, letting your kids take responsibility for relatively unimportant decisions helps them understand cause and effect.

The Buddy System

The buddy system opens up endless possibilities for expanding your kids’ freedom.
photo by Sharyn Morrow

If you have multiple kids, enforce a rule that no one goes anywhere without at least one sibling along. If you have only one child, consider inviting a friend whenever possible and insist that the kids stick together. The buddy system opens up endless possibilities for expanding your kids’ freedom.

If you trust your older kids or other adults in your group, encourage them to take even very little ones along sometimes. This exposes the younger child to other people’s rules, expectations and ways of doing things, while encouraging older kids to step up to a new level of responsibility.

By upper elementary school, most kids are ready to start ranging further with a same-age sibling or friend. Start small, by letting the kids go to the hotel arcade for an hour or ride an amusement park attraction without you. If they prove their responsibility, gradually increase the time span and range.

Middle schoolers are typically fine with the buddy system, even for several hours at a time, and most are equally self-sufficient even without a buddy. As long as you feel the situation is safe, resist the urge to keep a tight leash on an only child. Whether or not your kid has a buddy, set ground rules for checking in and for which locations are off-limits. Make sure they have a cell phone and ask them to call or text at regular intervals. Review how to get to wherever they are going, such as the hotel pool or a particular section of a theme park, and ask them to repeat it back to you before they leave. Of course, no one should ever swim alone. If your child goes to the pool without a buddy, insist that she swim only when plenty of other people are around.

By high school, the average teenager is highly self-sufficient. Many parents feel comfortable letting high school students roam independently on vacation, as long as they check in regularly. Use your judgment and common sense, and always make sure your teen has a cell phone and emergency money.

Breaking the Rules
Of course, kids test limits all the time, and vacation is no exception. Before giving your child freedom, clearly state your expectations and the consequences for not living up to them. Make sure that your proposed punishment is fair, reasonable to the situation, and easy to implement while on vacation. For example, taking away her cell phone also takes away your ability to contact her when necessary.

If your child breaks a rule, clearly and calmly state the infraction and give him a chance to explain. Transportation breaks down, shows run longer than planned and restaurants are sometimes slow. If the explanation seems reasonable, consider giving a warning for not letting you know rather than a full punishment. If you need to implement a consequence, do it calmly and matter-of-factly, and move on as soon as possible. Vacation time is precious, so don’t waste it arguing or holding onto anger.

Giving kids age-appropriate freedoms is challenging for many parents. On vacation, it can be especially tricky. Trust your parenting skills and your own judgment, and be sure to set reasonable parameters along with clearly communicated consequences for breaking the rules.

Dad and I recently spent a week in a two-bedroom condo with an ever-changing cast of characters that included both friends and relatives of all ages. The lessons we learned can help you ensure that your next extended family vacation is filled with loving memories rather than stress and arguments.

Communication Is Key

Traveling with this many extended family members was challenging but highly rewarding.

The purpose of the trip was my 12-year-old cousin’s participation in her first pageant. A three-day affair that required numerous costume changes and performances in different rooms of an elegant hotel, the pageant was all-consuming for her, her parents and her best friend. Dad wanted to see all the competitions, though not the rehearsals. My best friend and I wanted to attend a different event on the Saturday night of pageant weekend. I went to the rest of the pageant competitions, while my best friend made it to a few.

With everyone scheduled to come and go at different times between the condo and the pageant hotel, tempers were running high in the days before the trip. We all had copies of the pageant schedule, but my cousin’s family was unsure which of the rest of us would be where when. So I wrote an email detailing my schedule, Dad’s schedule, and my best friend’s schedule, and sent it to my cousin and each of her parents.

With written documents in hand, everyone knew where and when to expect everyone else to be. We all had cell phones, so we kept each other informed of delays and made plans on the fly as to exactly when and where to meet. As issues arose, such as where to hold my cousin’s celebration dinner, we were careful to sit down and discuss all of the factors rather than making assumptions.

Flexibility Is Crucial
My best friend works for Bluegreen Vacations, so she reserved a two-bedroom condo at the employee rate. This meant that our condo assignment was made at check-in. As it turns out, we were assigned to a disabled-accessible condo. The very low sink and microwave were easy to get used to, but the second bedroom had a double bed and a sleeper loveseat rather than two queens.

The first night, we had seven people in the condo. My cousin’s parents had the master bedroom, my dad was on the couch, and my cousin, her best friend, my best friend and I had the second bedroom. Since my cousin had pageant competitions the next day, and my best friend and I would come in late from our event that night, we gave the girls the bed and took the sleeper loveseat. We did our best to make it more comfortable, but the worn springs provided a miserable night’s sleep.

The next day, we began a series of bed rotations based on who would be at the condo on a particular night that resulted in me sleeping at various points in both beds with every female in the group. Constantly changing sleeping arrangements was not necessarily my idea of fun, but we all worked together to be flexible and open to things as they unfolded, resulting in a pleasant vacation overall.

Respect Is Important
My cousin’s parents are very early risers, but also tend to nap in the afternoons and go to bed early. Dad and I, along with my best friend, are night owls. The girls prefer staying up late when they don’t have to get up early, but school has them trained to be early risers when needed. Consequently, there was rarely an hour of the day that someone wasn’t asleep.

We were all careful to respect each other’s schedules and sleep habits. Dad, my cousin and I came in early one evening to find that her mother was in bed but not asleep. We sought permission from her before starting a board game that has a tendency to get loud. In exchange, she was very careful not to wake the household when she arose at 6 a.m.

Too Much Togetherness
There is such a thing as too much togetherness. Our group was particularly careful not to plan every moment together. We all arose when we wanted, ate breakfast on our own schedules and largely did our own things. When someone wanted to do something, such as the digital scavenger hunt at the resort, they inquired whether anyone wanted to join them, and everyone was free to say no.

Everyone needs downtime and space, even on vacation. Each of us had our moments of hiding out in one of the bedrooms, having some much needed alone time. We were also sensitive to when we needed to do more. When my cousin’s mother was exhausted and overwhelmed the day after the pageant, we all cleared out of the condo for a few hours to give her the room to decompress. Everyone made an effort to afford each other some privacy.

A trip with extended family can be an excellent way to build and strengthen bonds. But it only works if everyone is allowed to enjoy the vacation in their own way. Schedule a few group activities, but avoid the urge to over-plan. Invite people to join you in the things you do each day, but don’t be offended if they decline. Take advantage of the little moments when you and someone else happen to really synch up, rather than trying to force it. This will help ensure that you will go home with as many priceless memories as I did.